Clarkies in a tray

It was time for the great Clarks pie test. It was my first pie since they got dressed with a foil tray and to say I was guttered on the news was an understatement. However, it will not stop me giving the new look pie a fair review.

Without instruction, I decided to warm up the pies in the oven I would never use a microwave oven. In fairness, I planned to warm up one in the tray and one without. It did look strange a Clarkies in a pie tray! For the purest, it just looked all wrong. The Clarks pie is famed for its ability to be consumed while walking because of the legendary toughness or a better description sturdiness of the pastry, so what will I make of these newbies.

On examining the bottom of the pie before putting them in the oven, I was worried that the sturdiness had gone which set the alarm bells ringing.

On taking them out of the oven, it was noticeable that the bottom of the pie was much softer than before which was somewhat worrying. Not wanting to end up was a ‘Clark’s tash’ I waited for the pies to cool. Yes, I was eating both that would be a fair test one in the tray, one without it was all for the cause.

The one without the tray could standalone but I was extra careful. The bottom of the pie had definitely harden for being out of the tray but nothing compare to the old pie. There was none of the firmness of the previous pie but the taste was still there. The one I warmed up in the tray was a bit soggier than the other one but still sturdy enough that it could be consumed without its tray. Not being a fan of the pie tray in general, it was soon discarded because I found then cumbersome and if you do not need the foil tray, bin it.

It's still a Clarkies at the end of the day. It is one rebrand I can live with ... TAN OUT

Boxing Day and Football

Family to visit or be visited, football to watch or the sales to check out for a bargain, lashings, and lashings of turkey sandwiches that’s my overriding memory of Boxing Day. Most people are bloated from Christmas day eating, drinking, and the many treats so a walk around to the relative’s was a leisurely way to ease back into normality.

Dad and I would have our afternoon appointment after more turkey sandwiches, a long walk to Ninian Park to watch Cardiff City if there was a home game. There was nothing better back in the day when I travel to away games than climbing onto a coach, into a van, or car for a Boxing Day trip. I will discount one Boxing Day trip to Shewsbury with my mate Andrew in his death trap of a car, needless to say we didn’t make the game.

Boxing Day football may be a footballing tradition. However, some in football, namely managers and the mega rich footballers would like to see the back of this tradition and have a Christmas/New Year break, bah humbug.

Traditionally teams played their local rivals saving fans from making long journeys. That’s not the case anymore sadly. This was father and son time, my brother had little interest in football. Therefore, dad and I would make the walk to the ground, no public transport and next to no shops open. It would always be a bumper crowd the same with other sporting events that day. There is something in the British psyche at switches people’s minds to sports on Boxing Day.

Every football fan has a favourite Boxing Day memory they recall fondly. For me it’s watching Cardiff City v Swansea City 1983 and a 3-2 victory for the Bluebirds. Home to more TV and the inevitable turkey sandwiches or turkey curry.

Christmas Day 1967

I may have been 7-years-old coming on eight with little memory of Christmas Day 1967 but one thing is for sure the radio was just as important as the TV. The big radio stars at that time were Pete Murray and Jimmy Young.

The air would be full of Christmas songs with White Christmas beaming out and sung by a whole cast of different artists. To this day, it is the most-recorded Christmas song; there have been more than 500-recorded versions released (maybe not quite than many), in several different languages with Bing Crosby’s version the biggest seller.

Mum would be in our tiny kitchen doing the full Christmas dinner and thinking back it was remarkable it could be done without gadgets, we have today, just one oven, and four gas rings. She would cook the turkey overnight to free up oven space on Christmas Day and when going downstairs to hit the presents the whole house would smell of cooking turkey.

I liked watching mum cook the dinner and help if allowed. It came in handy when I moved out to live with my future wife and we cooked our first Sunday Dinner, which is a Christmas dinner every Sunday with a few extras. We agreed on everything but the roast potatoes, she was part boil while I when the other way and I won that argument.

Church was always necessary and an important part of my Christmas day, that was until I was old enough to make the decision whether I went or not. I did enjoy the church back then it brought our small community together when community was important.

There were only four of us back in 1967, my sisters had yet to arrive and when they did, it took Christmas to a completely different level.

Not a wrapper but a bagger

I am a bagger these days when it comes to Christmas wrapping, quicker and easier than spending hours wrapping your Christmas presents.

Ok wrapping paper is cheaper but along with being time, consuming it can be messy and frustrating and don’t get me started on sellotape, my personal nightmare. Then you have misshaped presents … always difficult to wrap leading to more frustration and you end up palming them off to your partner, well I would.

Some find a delight in wrapping presents, a tradition, for when the kids finally go to bed on Christmas Eve. I remember sitting on the floor with the wife surrounded with presents, wrapping one after another only for a few hours later to see the kids just rip it to pieces. I never remember them saying “gosh, daddy the present was beautifully wrapped”.

Give me bags any day and it is not because I am lazy. I see it has my bit to help save the world because they are reusable, there is a tree somewhere in the world grateful. Therefore, I am touting them as a "green" product because of their reusability. You can just pop the present in the bag and if you like to place them under your tree to keep prying eyes out wrap them in tissue paper.

I do get upset with the wife who sometimes insists in sellotaping the bag shut which is so wrong. According to reports, gift bags are becoming more and more popular and will soon out sell wrapping paper.

Christmas Day big film

My Christmas Day choice

Films at Christmas now seem to play a secondary role to the soaps these days with them occupying the prime time in the schedules.

Between 7pm until 10pm, there is a solid block of soaps covering the two main channels. ITV have Emmerdale at 7pm followed by Coronation Street at 8pm and the BBC gives us EastEnders at 9pm. Do you think that is over kill?

Three hours of misery and another Christmas Day wedding. On the film front, not much to get excited about. The big film of the day is Frozen, on Sky movies. Is there not a child in the country that has not seen it in the cinema or on DVD?

On the terrestrial channels, the offering on BBC 1 is Puss in Boots, one for the kids, its first showing on terrestrial TV although it was on Sky movies years ago like all of the ‘so called new’ films this Christmas. No film premieres on BBC 2, ITV, or Channel 5 only leaving Channel 4.

They (Channel 4) have managed to slip in two films. Both animated Animals United and Arthur Christmas and if you add, Puss in Boots then all three are animated. However, with Channel 4 showing one of my all time favourite Christmas film Scrooged I will be happy.

• Animals Untied - C4 8.55am
• Frozen - Sky movies 12.30pm/7pm
• Puss in Boots - BBC 1 3.10pm
• Arthur Christmas - C4 6pm
• (My star pick of the Day) -Scrooged C4 - 2.05pm

Gogglebox getting a porn parody

The porn Steph and Dom

Regular visitors to this blog will know I have a pervy interest in porn parodies but even I was surprised with the latest offering.

Tonight one of my favourite TV Show is on ‘Gogglebox’ but it will never be the same again now I know it has been given its own porn parody – and guess what it’s called, Gobblec***s, so inventive these porn companies.

The adult channel Television X has a record of parodying popular TV shows one of which is ‘Down on Abby’ a porn parody of Downton Abbey. They have also given the world a Benefits Street parody called Friends with Benefits Street. It goes without saying Channel 4 are none too happy with this rip-off of their award winning show but they could do little about it.

Besides sitting on their couch the Steph and Dom characters will be getting up to more than holding hands and sipping on a gin and tonic “nudge nudge wink, wink”. You can probably guess what happens next, but I’ll leave that to your imagination.

In the world of porn parodies, nothing is sacred from kids’ stuff like Smurfs to Hollywood blockbuster and of course, TV shows.

Unusual protest

When there is any kind of protest against the government one thing is for sure the activist members of the socialist worker will be there, placards in hand and selling their paper ‘The Socialist Worker’.

There is going to be a mass ‘face-sitting’ protest outside the Houses of Parliament tomorrow, Friday 12th in protest against new porn censorship laws. Around 500 demonstrators are expected to be descending on Westminster and I was just wondering if the socialist workers professional protesters would be there.

The ‘face-sitting’ and fake sex protest is against the new law on pornographic content on film and magazines. Some of the reported entertainment will include a ‘Sex Factor’ game show, an attempt to break the ‘face-sitting’ world record, is that even in the Guinness Book of Records I just hope the weather is ok. It would be fun to see how the media handle this protest if they do.

The Audiovisual Media Services Regulations 2014 banned a number of legal acts from UK pornography including spanking, female ejaculation and humiliation on 1 December on the grounds they could be dangerous and might encourage home ‘re-enactments’

.

The 2013 Sex Worker of the Year and political campaigner Charlotte Rose who recently stood as an independent candidate in the Rochester and Strood by-election throw her ten penneth into the debate.

‘Personal liberty is what we are fighting for on Friday which no one has the right to take away from somebody else.’

Myles Jackman, a renowned obscenity lawyer, agrees.

‘Pornography is the canary in the coal mine of free speech: it is the first freedom to die. If this assault on liberty is allowed to go unchallenged, other freedoms will fall as a consequence.

Burger with a differance

These days you can slam just about anything between two bun/baps and call it a burger in this crazy world of food fusion.

I am still trying to get over the shock of the Clarks pie in a foil tray and another story has caught my eye. The Yorkshire pudding burger, yes, you heard me right. Toad in the hole it is not as you can see if you look at the picture opposite, it is a proper burger with cheese.

Like the Mars Bar in batter, it is a product of ‘up north’ but the other side of the border, Harrogate precisely, although Harrogate does sound really posh. You just know if this was developed in some kitchen in London there would be a drizzle of dew or some inclusion of stupid sauces.

If you were to partake of the delicacy, it would set you back a whopping £9.50 with house slaw and skinny fries. I have no idea why it costs so much but these artisan burgers with fancy ingredients cost a lot more than a roadside burger. Not sure, I would like one but I would try one.

Radio Times

Tomorrow the Radio Times Christmas issue 2014 hits the shelves and I for one can’t wait. It has always been a Christmas must to have in my household. I will probably know much of the Christmas TV schedule before it comes out, but I will still buy it anyway. Not a cheap options compared with others at £3.60 but 'hey ho' its Christmas.

I remember in the time before multi-channels you would have to buy the Radio Times for all the BBC programming and you would have to buy the TV Times for the commercial TV. These days you only have to buy one. Most TV magazines cover all the channels and the news press will helpfully supply you with reams of information ‘spoilers’ on the programming. I was ruddy annoyed to find out the (Radio Times) has been available in London and the south for days and only goes national from tomorrow.

Thing is the Christmas and New Year’s holiday programming has been known for weeks but I still feel the need to buy this magazine.

I feel traditions like this are important. It also helps me remember particularly of happy times from my childhood. Putting the order in with the shopkeeper at our local newsagents then pestering the shopkeeper for when they would be in. If you did order them, they would undoubtedly sell-out. I remember flicking through looking at the pictures and growing up trying to get my choice on the only TV in the house was not easy.

If you look to the top of my blog, we can see a link to a page of the 1967 TV schedule, my chosen year this Christmas. I was only six coming on seven at the time so unsure what I would likely be watching. However, at a guess, Billy Smart’s Circus would be top of the list. It was always a regular at Christmas time along with Disney Time Christmas Special one of my favourites as a child. How times have changed, no more Billy Smart’s Circus because of the PC brigade and the animal rights people and Disney as its own channel now in the world of multi-media television.

Success in 48 questions

I was reading the Daily Mail yesterday, yes, I do read it but would never buy it. Anyway its free to read on the internet. It is good to keep an eye on the nutty right-wing press as it keeps me on the right track.

 

So what as my back up this time? Reading about the 48 signs of success someone somewhere has come up with and that got me wondering how would I fair? That a quick glance I didn’t hold up much hope and I wasn’t disappointed.

1.Holiday home ... No, that was simple and I have a feeling the next 49 answered will be the same.

2.Children at public school ... No

3.A cleaner ... Well I could claim this, well what do you think. My wife is disabled and she has a 30 minutes of domestic (cleaning). Only the 30 minutes and we don’t pay so I feel we do have a cleaner.

4.A nanny ... No, but I would have liked one.

5.Shopping trips abroad ... I when to Amsterdam once but didn’t do any window shopping

6.Annual ski trips ... No

7.Children’s riding lessons ... No

8.Frequently flying first-class Y ... et to fly through the skies

9.Driveway longer than 200 yards ... Not applicable

10.Wine cellar ... Don’t like wine so no need for a wine cellar but I would like a bog standard cellar

11.Summer house ... No

12.Home gym ... No

13.Car just for weekends ... I don’t drive so no need for a car

14.Sit-on mower ... No, I have a concrete garden

15.Personal number plate ... See question 12

16.Golf membership ... No

17.Sailing weekends ... No

18.Orchard in the garden ... See question 14

19.Home cinema ... No, but would like one and a new home to fit it into please

20.An orangery ... Must google this

21.Electric garage doors ... See questions 12, 14

22.A wet room ... Yes again I have one of these only because I have a disabled wife

23.Designer luggage ... No holidays so no need for designer luggage

24.Going horseracing ... Never but been to football

25.Conservatory ... No

26.An Aga ... No

27.A TV larger than 55in ... God I feel ashamed … In receipt of benefits and only have a 32in TV

28. Eating lobster ... Don’t like shellfish

29. His and hers sinks ... No

30.Log burner ... No

31.TV in every room ... Again ashamed to say no

32.Member of a tennis club ... Why would I with me hating exercise?

33.Fridge with ice dispenser ... No maybe one day

34.400 thread count sheets ... ????? Back to google

35.Pedigree dog ... Dog hater

36.Wine cooler ... See question 10

37.Taking the dog to doggy day care ... See question 37

38.Taking the dog for treatments ... See questions 37, 39

39.Facebook page littered with holiday pictures ... No, I rarely holiday … never would be better

40.Golf handicap under 15 ... Not a member of a golf club but a mean player of crazy golf

41.Lazy Susan ... Haven’t got a clue but I bet I’m lazier than Susan

42.Picnic hamper ... Nope

43.Matching bathrobes ... Nope

44.Many gilets ... Haven’t got a clue

45.Cricket whites ... I have an off-white t-shirt

46.First name terms with the vicar ... No

47. First name terms with the pub landlord ... I don’t have a local

48.2,000 Twitter followers ... One day

Top 5 Christmas chart ... 1967

The chosen year I picked for this year’s blog is 1967 and here are the top five in the Christmas day chart.

1. Hello Goodbye - The Beatles



2. I'm Coming Home - Tom Jones



3. Magical Mystery Tour - The Beatles

4. If The Whole World Stopped Lovin` - Val Doonican

5. Something's Gotten hold of my heart - Gene Pitney









Christmas specials love them. Who's with me?

Some people hate them, but not me, so what are they, Christmas TV specials. From the minute it hits the shelves I scan the big fat Christmas Radio Times planning my holiday schedule like a military operation.

I can put up with a lot of crap on TV around this time of the year but top of my hate list are the soaps, EastEnders, Coronation Street and Emmerdale. Last Christmas Day all three took up a block of 3 hours of precious time in total. What a waste from 5:15pm until 9:30pm with the only break a 15-minute newsbreak if you watched the main two channels, BBC and ITV. I have to watch the soaps it was in my marriage contract with the wife whose life seems to revolve around them.

I hope that one day the TV companies will come around to the fact some would rather see some real family entertainment than the soaps. With the soaps, taking up prime family time there is little time to factor in other programmes that I would call good family entertainment. We need shows like the Generation Game or an all-star pantomime on Christmas Day. Last year the BBC won the Christmas Day ratings, no change there. The top show was Mrs Brown’s Boys Christmas Special with 9.5 million according to figures supplied to the public with top soap going to Coronation Street (ITV) – 7.9 million. The figures are way down on past Christmases mainly because there was less competition from a myriad of channels there are to choose from now.

Mike Yarwood

The most watched Christmas Day programme was Mike Yarwood's 1977 Christmas Show that tops the list of the most-watched Christmas programmes with 28 million. Yarwood marginally beat off Morecambe and Wise the same night also credited with a 28 million audience. The other three in the top five are Only Fools and Horses 1993 (19million), Wallace and Gromit - A Matter of Loaf and Death 2008 (15million) and Vicar of Dibley 2004 (12.52million) and all BBC shows just showing the dominance of the British Broadcasting Company in the Christmas schedule.

The highlight of my upcoming Christmas Day viewing will be Doctor Who, a good film with no commercial breaks and a laugh. It is always good to have a laugh it helps you unwind hopefully this year it won’t be Mrs Brown Boys as I find it totally unfunny.

The day Father Christmas die

You have to remember I am writing about the 1960s a time of true innocents for a young child. The story how I innocently found out that Father Christmas was not real didn’t destroy me neither was I traumatized it just made me wise up.

I may have been seven or eight when I found out or better still worked out the secret. Some of my friends may have already known but no one told me so maybe that is another secret keeping the truth secret. So how did I find out – easy really, it was down to carrier bags, it was that simple.

We would go shopping with Mum and Dad have a great time with that Christmas feeling in the town centre, all the lights, decorations and window displays. We were shopping and maybe a visit to Father Christmas and I never asked why I was sitting on Santa’s lap in the C&A store while in another shop some other kid was doing the same. I was just happy to get a photo and a toy.

We would go in and out of shops and at some point Mum with say wait has she would disappear coming back with a carrier bag. This would happen a few times before we would head home on the bus with Dad loaded down with shopping bags. When we were home, bags would disappear! If we came in with six, there would be four on the table if you mention it you would be fobbed off with some story.

I did scout around a little and try to find the disappearing shopping bags but they alluded me. However, I didn’t lose any sleep over it. Then one day the big cupboard on the landing upstairs door was a jar and on looking in there was Santa’s grotto staring me in the face. Some of the presents in there were already wrapped in Christmas paper with my name. Therefore, it was easy to conclude Father Christmas was my parents.

I don’t remember rushing out to tell the world and my friends that Santa was not real. I think I played along for a few years until Mum and Dad figured out I knew. I never told my brother or my sisters it was up to them to suss out the secret either way it was for them to find out for themselves.

All I want for Christmas

Christmas old school 'Newton Road'

I think I bought everything I wanted for Christmas. Yes, I leave nothing to chance and buy my own Christmas presents. The only person surprised about my presents will be the wife, as she will have no idea what she bought me.

I don’t like surprises, I never have! It may come from my childhood as I grew up and my sisters became more excited about Christmas. I found more pleasure out of watching them opening their presents then anything I would get. When I got married, it was the same with my kids. I wouldn’t care if I didn’t have a present, and have been known to be happy with just a pair of slippers and socks under the tree.

I reckon I save money by buying my own presents Glenys would probably not search for a bargain where I can spent days if not weeks in the search for the cheapest price.

I miss having young children running around my feet Christmas Day and the early morning excitement it will be a quiet day here.

Family news from Dugdale Towers



Not much as happen this year with the family. Glenys and I have reached 29 years of married life and we are still strong, well I think we are I can’t speak for the wife maybe she has other ideas.

Plenty has happened over the last 29 years with a lot of happy memories and some bad ones I would rather not remember. It will be our 30th Christmas and we have come a long way from our first when we were sitting in our flat, just the two of us. Actually, it is the only Christmas alone without our respective families and within a year, two became three with the birth of our son James in the following September.

Glen and I have been getting around a bit more and we even went on our first ever cinema date after nearly 30 years together and we had a lovely long overdue time. Glen had a scare with her leg but thankfully, everything turned out fine. I on the other hand have had no recurrence of the stomach ulcer, which nearly killed me before last Christmas so I am back on the menu of any roaming vampires now my blood levels are back to normal.

Has for our boys, James has moved abroad, ok just England and Bristol not a million miles away. He is happy with the switch and feels less pressure on him. Simon is at base command, his bedroom, with some ‘Deep Thought’ (reference to the computer in Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy) computer while eking out a living with Royal Mail. Hey, it is his life and he is happy so what is it to do with me.

Big surprise is David still has a job with Ikea! They must like him or something. We still argue a lot mainly about money and his inability to keep it in his pockets for more than a few days after payday. Both Simon and David live at home and look unlikely to move out anytime soon although I threaten to kick David out regularly.

Fustration the best game ever

I believe the best board game ever was Frustration. It was an awesome game and better than any other game on the market giving loads of family fun. It was a regular on the Ugarte Christmas list.

It was so easy to play you didn’t need to read any rules just get on and play. It was about the only game I didn’t cheat on which was unusual for me. On the board, you have blue, yellow, green, and red sections and the game played up to four. In the middle is the novel idea of having a 'popping dice' in a clear plastic bubble. You push the bubble to flip the dice - which is fun! You go clockwise round the board in a circle and the game was over when you have your four counters home.

Another neat thing about the game was your counter would fit into a round sphere putting pay to accidental nudging of the board in hope of a sneaky cheating opportunity. If your counter were to land on another players counter, they would have to go back to the start and pop a six to restart. Is a fantastic game - not at all like "ludo" a similar game but boring?

Nice one Tesco

Had a bit of an annoying morning after trying to use my Tesco points they simply wouldn’t register at the checkout. After a few fruitless attempts, it was straight on the phone.

 

I was ready to give them a full on argument but was put off by the sweet and helpful lady manning the customer care phone. She confirmed what the website was telling me that the vouchers had already be cashed in, not by me.

 

It would seem some robbing toe rag access my account and used them to double the points and buy something nice at Goldsmiths the jewellers. What a liberty! After explaining it was not me, I pointed out it was not my normal shopping pattern. I only use my Tesco points at Christmas to offset my shopping at this time of the year, which I pointed out rigorously to the lady at the end of the phone.

 

Somehow, my email was used. I even had a conformation of the transaction but missed it due to the fact I have been using a new account. The vouchers were send to whoever via my email in coupon code and the toe rag deleted that email.

 

Must give credit where credit is due. The woman on the end of the phone was very helpful. After a number of talks to her supervisor, she came back with an offer that my vouchers would be re-issued.

Therefore, the toe rag has not spoiled this part of Christmas and a big thumbs up to the lady at Tesco’s.

Corny Christmas Film - Jingle All the Way (1996)

I love a corny Christmas film and I think this one hits all the right spots and some ham acting to boot. The film as a permanent presents in the worst 10 Christmas films EVER and it is easy to see why.

The critics really panned it when it was released. However, because it is so corny, I have grown to like it being a sucker for a Christmas film as I am. The story line is one lots of parents can relate to, finding that must have toy along with thousands of other desperate parents who may have left it a bit late. In this film the must have toy is the Turbo Man action figure while my nemesis when my boys were young was the WWF figures Hunk Hogan and the Undertaker, they were just impossible to find.

In the film, Arnold Schwarzenegger plays the main character and the Dad and that is where the ham-acting element comes into the film. He is just too busy and as little time for his family always working and late for family occasions. Reminded to pick up a Turbo Man figure months before Christmas and of course, he forgot, and now it’s Christmas Eve.

Every store is sold out of Turbo Man figures, now he as to undertake a mad dash all over town in his quest to find one. He picks up a rival in postman named Myron, also intent on finding the figure for his son. While the Schwarzenegger character is chasing down the toy, back at home the creepy neighbour is making a move on is wife.

I won’t spoil the end but if you like, a corny Christmas film or just fancy watching one of the worst Christmas films ever made this could be the one for you.

Christmas Eve Boxes

I have written before about our Christmas Eve tradition, which involves the delivery of a takeaway. However, when a friend told me about hers, I was immediately jealous and I wished I had young children so I could start this as a tradition with my kids.

I have never heard of a "Christmas Eve Box" before as a pre-Christmas treat for your kids. Although I have heard of opening, a small present on Christmas Eve an idea that never excited me as presents are for Christmas morning, and opened as a family.

After she had bathed her kids they were presented with a box containing new Christmas pyjamas, sweets, a DVD all Christmas related and a short bedtime story she had written. Maybe you could do one large box for all the family. I was surprised just how popular it was and you can even buy a box if you are too lazy to make your own. It must be an American thing because I have never come across it before and looks to be catching on this side of the pond.

Those ruddy twist ties

When our boys were young, Christmas was about toys not an envelope with cash. We would enjoy going shopping wandering around from shop to shop and visiting the likes of Toys-R-Us.

You could easy fill a shopping trolley up with goodies. The kids would be in school so it would be peaceful without the pressure of the kids shouting I want I want in your ears. I simply had to remember to buy toys for my kids not the ones I fancied myself. Like a racing car set. You could easily succumb to the pretty picture on the box and end up buying something you would need a degree to put together. When a simple figure of eight track would have done just as good.

However, when you are shopping you tend to forget the nightmares you had from previous Christmases. No, I’m not talking about forgetting the batteries; I would religiously remember to buy them for each battery-operated toy. I remember from when I was a kid the disappointment of having a toy with no batteries and I am from a time of windup toys. Back then, shops were closed until after Boxing Day, longer if Christmas fell around Saturday or Sunday. Talking of batteries, would you wrap them up and give them as a present! I just remember having the discussion.

Come Christmas morning and the boys would be hurriedly opening their stuff up something would stop them in their tracks. Those little plastic twirley things that hold kids toys in the box. They must use some kind of twisting machine they are so tight my fingers where known to go red raw untwisting these poxy things. Sometimes they were so tight you couldn’t even get scissors in between to cut it off. Maybe I should have invested in a pair of wire cutters.

When you have three boys all wanting their turn to get at their toys it can become a bit of a nightmare and its never just one tie it could be has many as ten or more. It would depends on the size of the toy and moving parts. Those days have long gone now I rarely come up against my mortal enemy the damn twisted ties.

Those ruddy twist ties

When our boys were young, Christmas was about toys not an envelope with cash. We would enjoy going shopping wandering around from shop to shop and visiting the likes of Toys-R-Us.

You could easy fill a shopping trolley up with goodies. The kids would be in school so it would be peaceful without the pressure of the kids shouting I want I want in your ears. I simply had to remember to buy toys for my kids not the ones I fancied myself. Like a racing car set. You could easily succumb to the pretty picture on the box and end up buying something you would need a degree to put together. When a simple figure of eight track would have done just as good.

However, when you are shopping you tend to forget the nightmares you had from previous Christmases. No, I’m not talking about forgetting the batteries; I would religiously remember to buy them for each battery-operated toy. I remember from when I was a kid the disappointment of having a toy with no batteries and I am from a time of windup toys. Back then, shops were closed until after Boxing Day, longer if Christmas fell around Saturday or Sunday. Talking of batteries, would you wrap them up and give them as a present! I just remember having the discussion.

Come Christmas morning and the boys would be hurriedly opening their stuff up something would stop them in their tracks. Those little plastic twirley things that hold kids toys in the box. They must use some kind of twisting machine they are so tight my fingers where known to go red raw untwisting these poxy things. Sometimes they were so tight you couldn’t even get scissors in between to cut it off. Maybe I should have invested in a pair of wire cutters.

When you have three boys all wanting their turn to get at their toys it can become a bit of a nightmare and its never just one tie it could be has many as ten or more. It would depends on the size of the toy and moving parts. Those days have long gone now I rarely come up against my mortal enemy the damn twisted ties.

A hated Christmas present

Mum was easy to please at Christmas when I was a kid. She hated presents of any kind no matter what the occasion. Therefore, no racking ones brain thinking what to buy her as a presents.

What do you buy someone who wants nothing? Just one thing would please her and that was a ‘Woodbine Cigarette Christmas Box’. You could buy 40s, 50s, or the deluxe box of 100, which really sickens, but those were the days. In later life she relented somewhat and you could buy her something to wear as long as it was black or dark blue, Mum hated wearing bright colours.

Seeing the way mum died of the big ‘C’ it pains me to remember this and the thought of our present in some way hastened her passing by one second. I cannot remember mum and dad receiving any presents except those us kids bought them maybe that is why I am like I am.

Going Live

Hi all … its Christmas time and like switching on of Christmas lights my blog will come to life at mid-night tonight. I hope you enjoy.

Iffy footy stream

Sitting in on a Saturday afternoon watching an iffy stream of Watford v Cardiff City on the internet thinking of past times when I would be there.

 

I was single then without a care in the world except I was usually in between some kind of employment. However, marriage and three kids put my travelling to away games to a rare beast. The wife never said I couldn’t go but with money tight it was an expense I couldn’t in my heart feel happy about.

 

I enjoyed the trips to the likes of Leeds and the old Millwall ground either on the supporters coach or independently it was always a good day out. It annoys me every day my mental problems with crowds and having my personal space invaded but I am working on it.

 

I suppose now I am one of those armchair supporters so-called real fans hate so much but I always will be a Cardiff City fan and will die blue Mr Tan.

Go away Black Friday

Plod at a Cardiff Tesco store

Send Black Friday back over the pond to America and the media madness with it. It’s the main story on TV news this morning people falling through doors, fighting and the internet crashing on most of the major online stores.

Flat screen TV seem to be the main target, the bigger the better along with iPads, and coffee machines high on the target list. There will be lots of disappointment for the late shoppers with the shelves being bare.

The police were called to stores in Cardiff after scuffles broke out. People queued outside Tesco store on Excelsior Road from about 6pm according to local reports waiting for the midnight starting gun to fire. If you weren’t in a queue than you were more than likely tapping away at the internet but you would end up queuing because of the high traffic on all the major stores websites.

There have been reports of looting at some stores around the country more likely to be shoplifting but we know how the media like to exaggerate. Some shoppers have their prized bargains ripped out of their hands in the madness that is Black Friday. Shoppers were limited to one per customer on the bigger items and on most other electrical items.

I will be keeping my money in my pocket.

The UKip cookbook

I have been waiting for this cookbook! Well yes, I am what you could call a very bland eater who is not a fan of much of the foreign muck. Not that I am an Ukipper in life and politics but food I am a card-carrying member.

 

English classics are my favourite, fish and chips, Sunday dinner, and curry. Yes, I have had the debate about curry before. Today’s curries are designed for the UK market and are nothing like the curries I remember from my childhood, many years ago. Kebab meat or chopped pork there is no contest the latter any day and you can keep your pizza, give me a pie.

 

By classic, I mean simply meals not fancied up fish and chip the celebrities’ chefs conjure up. They all seem to have their own way of presenting fish and chips when the only way is to find yourself a good chippy.

 

See Video

 

The book is not a cook book really but a piss take on UKIP and their foreign hating ways. The book funded via Kickstarter with a fund raising target of £1,500, which was exceeded.

 

Therefore, will the Ukip Cookbook be a must for your Christmas stocking. Maybe next to Jamie Oliver and Nigella on the bookshelf. The book is available from Waterstones online and Amazon.

 

 

 

Five sh*gs get one free

A nice little Sunday newspaper story and todays offering is a former supermarket worker that has come up with a novel way of rewarding her customer or more apt to say clients.

Now working in the sex industry as a sex worker she has taken the buy one get one free up a level or two be offering regular clients five romps, get a sixth free. She issues her own loyalty card just like the supermarkets.

The mum-of-one 26-year-old who advertises on a number of adult internet sites boasts: "I'm a sexy brunette in my late 20s offering all sexual services from my flat in Leeds and, seeing as money is short this Christmas, I am offering a loyalty scheme for my regular clients.

"It is really simple. You come and visit me for five sessions - half hour or full hour - and you get the sixth one free. Simples. Talk about more bang for your buck. Now get arranging those naughty sessions guys."

Known as Kara, she charges £40 for half an hour and double your money for an hour from a Leeds flat. It’s unknown if any of her clients/punters have saved up to enough shags to receive their freebie but she is reported to be busy. I think (I KNOW) the wife would not be happy if she found this Loyalty card in my wallet.

FA Cup

It is what the FA Cup is all about, a bit of giant killing. Last night when non-league Warrington Town, a hundred or so places below league club Exeter beat them it got the first round off to an interesting start. To add to the excitement the game was live on national TV in front of the Match of the Day cameras.

 

They were appearing in the FA Cup first round for the first time in their 65-year history, with Craig Robinson the hero for Warrington Town scoring the only goal of the game. The non-league club now progress into the second round of the FA Cup courtesy of the victory over Exeter.

 

The non-league club pocketed £18000 for the win and along with prize money from earlier rounds, we can see why a cup run is so important to these small clubs. Many more non-league clubs in the competition this weekend will be hoping they will be the big news story like Warrington either beating league opposition or just progressing into the next round. Like all the teams in the First round being league or non-league they are looking to progress to the third round when the Championship and Premier League club enter the competition.

Want a Monty ... FIGHT

Have you seen the John Lewis Christmas ad? Millions have with thousands desperate to lay their hand on the star ‘Monty the penguin’. The cuddly toy is not cheap at £95 but it sold out online and they have been shifting out of their stores at an incredible rate with many sold out.

 

However, some are willing to forgo the Christmas spirit in the pursuit of a quick buck and smell money to be made. Little Peter or Gillian Christmas present is popping up on eBay auction site at well above the retail price. Has you can see from the picture unless John Lewis can lay their hands on more, you will have to dig deep if you desperately want a Monty.

 

It’s is now the must have Christmas present of 2014

A sponsorship to far?



Picture: From Twitter

Rutherford Raiders football team and associated with University of Kent have hit the headlines over their new sponsor.

Pornhub are the sponsors and those who have knowledge of the company can see why the university have deemed the football shirt 'totally unacceptable'. The clue is in the name ‘Porn’ with the company being one of the biggest suppliers of online porn in the world.

‘The University of Kent sports department would never sanction sponsorship of this type – it is totally inappropriate,’ said spokesman Martin Herrema.

‘The team has been spoken with and will not be allowed to wear the shirts in question at any time.

‘We take this issue very seriously and inter-college sports teams, which are the responsibility of Kent Sport, must present any potential sponsorship and/or logos for approval.’

After the bosses at Pornhub saw a mock-up of the shirt, they stepped in offering to sponsor them for real. Unsurprisingly the team take a slightly different view to the university.

‘We are struggling to see why they are having a problem,’ said one of the players. ‘The university cricket team are sponsored by Kingfisher, which is also an age-restricted product.

‘In my opinion the decision is made by people in Kent Sport that are out of touch with what’s socially acceptable.

‘It’s hard for football teams to find a sponsor. Both Kent Sport and Rutherford refused to give us any money.

‘Clearly Pornhub did because there’s was an opportunity to create a bit of attention.

‘I personally haven’t come across anyone yet that has found it anything other than funny.’

It brings into question the whole business of sports sponsorship. In my sport of football, there are some dubious sponsors linked to teams, Wonga (Newcastle United), Cash Converters (Hull City) and there are a myriad of betting firms with their logos brazened across club shirts. Maybe Ann Summers could step in and sponsor the cash strapped team.

Pornhub recently place a large advisement up on Times Square, New York but was soon forced to take it down after a number of complains.

Looks like a penis?

Tesco made a bit of a balls-up with the packaging for their Tesco Buttermilk product much to the merriment of social media outlets.

Has you can see from the picture the packaging it looks surprisingly like a ‘penis’ and only available in Tesco Ireland. With Tesco and other supermarkets spending vast sums of money on designers and focus groups it is surprising that no one said ‘Wait a minute that don’t half look like a big penis’.

Having no interest in penises myself I don’t think I would have spotted it but now looking at it I can.

I can't take it

I see in one of the Sunday papers so called X Factor sensation Andrea Faustini plans to stay in the country once he wins the Factor.

By all accounts he has won (according to the paper interview) based on the reception he has received by just being on the programme. You may be wondering why I am wasting my time on a TV show I despise more than any other programme on the TV in the UK. Because do we need another X Factor Z-lister to add to the many the show already produces from the so call home grown talent ‘can’t believe I just said talent’.

I am proud to say I have never watched it and so proud I would be willing to shout it from the rooftops. My extensive knowledge of the show can be put down to shows like Good Morning Britain and the reams of news in the junk press. Has I see it, it is just a cash cow for Simon Cowell who as is fingers in just about everything. It wouldn’t be the X-Factor without the sob stories of the contestants, I mean, if they haven’t had a relative die recently or a terminal illness in their past then heaven forbid should they win! If is not some family tragedy next best thing is a young life of bullying but don’t worry if it neither of those two something can be dug up for a tear or two.

Don’t even get me started about the Christmas number one attempt we now have to put up with every year. Each year I pray for a peoples champion to rise and do battle with the dark side of Christmas.

Not your normal drinking fountain

Sorry once again something sexual caught my eye and made me chuckle so I would like to share.

 

It is those crazy Japanese again coming up with another embarrassing gadget. This time they have come up with a sex doll centrepiece a drinking fountain but it is like no other, you squeeze the boob and your drink comes out.

 

It is now the must-have party accessories to have a life-like sex doll pouring alcohol from a woman’s breast. Unsurprisingly there is no uproar of sexism but Japan is a very liberal country when it comes to sex. If you think, a boob drinking fountain is strange one of the biggest fetishes is around feet, yes feet. You can actually buy sex feet toys for your pleasure.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mU1XilyVmvw

Warning: Contains sex doll nudity

In the words of Del Boy - plonkers

The Sunday papers are full of stories about general members of the public to celebrities sending risky pictures to a partner or just anyone in the case of some politician and a footballer. Why would anyone send such a picture or pictures to anyone let alone a partner? Acquaintances you chat to on social media don’t make you besties and someone you can trust.

If Megan Fox would like to send me a few personal snaps, I promise not to share.

Why do people believe they can take a picture of their intimate parts or engage in intimate activity if they use something to store it on a device connected to the World Wide Web baffles me. Nothing is safe on the internet there have been plenty of stories of hacking via your phone or computer do some people just think they are immune.

Even if you delete private photos there is a strong likelihood a computer expert or hacker can find a trace of it and recover something, even the whole picture or video.

There is nothing wrong in posing for kinky photos but if you are worried that one day they will come back and bite you, don’t do it. If you do feel, the need than don’t use equipment attached to the internet. You could go old school with a Polaroid camera instant if the need to pose is that great.

Sex Worker of the Year standing for Parliament

Politics today and there are two by-elections underway with the smart money on UKIP being the big winners of the night. We can expect politicians from all the main party’s being all over the news tomorrow talking of protest votes.

 

One of the independent candidates for the Clacton by-election caught my eye is sex worker Charlotte Rose - campaigning for sexual freedom. Where better than her box to put your ‘x’ in if you were protesting as a vote for her would really put the cat among the pigeons. Chances are between Parliament and the House of Lords she may well have a few old punters there.

 

The, 34 year old, lives in London, calls herself a “high-class courtesan” and charges £180 an hour for her services and recently won a British Erotic Award as Sex Worker of the Year, 2013, where she received an unique trophy (see picture). Now there is a judging panel to be on, nudge nudge wink wink say no more.

 

She previously appeared in a Channel 4 TV series about prostitution called Love for Sale, which starred Rupert Everett.

 

On are soap box she recently said “My main policy is about sexual freedom – taking control away from others.

“I also want there to be better sexual education in schools.

“Schools are not obliged to teach advanced sex and relationship education, which can deal with issues such as porn addiction and intimacy issues.

“Today’s politicians have a lack of knowledge and understanding about what’s really happening.

“Sex and relationships are second to survival when it comes to basic human needs.

“I’m dead against trafficking of women, but a large amount of women also choose to be sex workers – we do this work because we enjoy it.

“We want to help people learn and gain knowledge and skills.”

 

The former teacher and mother-of-two previously lived in Exeter, but claims she was hounded out by locals following media attention sparked by the TV show and has launched a sexual training franchise as part of a bid to improve people’s sex life.

 

I have my fingers crossed that she at least beats the Liberal Democrat into oblivion my disdain for them holds no bounds.

Doctor Who porn parody

If something becomes anywhere near popular on TV or film, you can bet the porn industry will not be far behind with a parody. So when I was send a link of a porn parody of Doctor Who I wasn’t surprised.

I went into research mode to check porn parodies of Doctor Who and found out there had been a few over the years. The names say about everything you need to know, Dr Loo and the Filthy Pheleks, Doctor Screw and Doctor Whore the latter being the parody I received. I was sent a trailer which I thought was a pretty weak affair so a quick look on the internet, for research purposes only, it was what you would expect, shocking and very adult.

The film is to be available free in four parts on the internet and I think part one is out now. Based on the 10th and 11th Doctor, and some of his companions such as Rose Tyler, Martha Jones, Amy Pond, and River Song make an appearance along with Rory and Captain Jack Harkness.

While doing a bit of research it is surprising just how big the porn parody market is with scores of TV and film titles parodied. Below are some of my favourites I have come across today in my search,

• Buffy the Vampire Slayer = Muffy the Vampire Layer
• The Texas Chain Saw Massacre = The Texas Vibrator Massacre
• Downton Abbey = Down on Abby
• Honey, I Blew up the Kids = Honey, I Blew Everyone

I still rate the best porn parodied I ever saw as Flesh Gordon a soft core film although I have heard there is a more hard core film.

All the character are there Flesh Gordon (Flash Gordon) his love interest Dale Ardor ( Dale Arden); Emperor Wang the Perverted (Ming the Merciless); Dr. Flexi Jerkoff (Dr. Hans Zarkov) with their names suggestive innuendos names.

They fly to the planet Porno in a penis shaped rocket ship to destroy the ‘Sex Ray’ that Wang the Perverted is firing at the planet Earth that is making the population rather obsessed with sex.