The reason I waffle on so much about YouTube sometimes you unearth a little gem and today I hit gold. My find reminded me of the fun times watching park football and the characters a game of football could attract including yours truly.
Eric Armistead (played by David Swift) is a Sunday league association football referee one of the most unthankful of jobs in football. How many times have you stood around the dressing room waiting for them to open and along comes the ref renowned for booking players for the fine money.
In the opening scene, we hear him being henpecked by his wife and unable to clear two young lads fighting in his gateway and after failing to clear them gives them a count of five but stretches it to six in `the end he jumps over the garden wall. What hope does he have of controlling the players of Co-op Albion and Parker Street Depot?
What a desperate bunch of typical Sunday League players in the 1970s grabbing a quick fag before the kick off not much has change there anyway. Pot bellies and in recovery from the night before and everyone believing, they were Georgie Best not so much the beautiful game. However, Mr Armistead genuinely believes that he can use his peaceful philosophy of life to tame the wilder excesses of the players. Mr Armistead giving the two-team captains a pre-match pep talk
Mr. Armistead: Good morning. A few pearls of wisdom from one who knows. What we're now about to witness is called a football match - not the beginning of World War III, not the destruction of the human race - a football match. In it, each of the teams will attempt to score more goals than the other...
Albion Captain: [glaring at Parker Street captain] what are you looking at?
Parker Street Captain: [glaring back] not much.
Mr. Armistead: ...That will be done by kicking the ball in the net, as opposed to kicking other people in the crotch.
Albion Captain: Right.
Parker Street Captain: Great.
Albion Captain: Thanks.
Parker Street Captain: Shall we start - or are we gonna stand here and freeze to death?
Mr. Armistead: If I see a good clean exhibition of football skill, you won't know I'm here. If, on the other hand, and acting according to the new gospel of Lytham St Anne's, there's any foul tackles, shirt-pulling, swearing at me, dropping dead with St Vitus's Dance because some other player accidentally looks at you, out comes my little book and in it goes the name. Arguing with the referee will naturally not be tolerated.
Albion Captain: Who the bloody hell's arguing?
Mr. Armistead: Are you trying to get yourself into the Guinness Book of Records - the only player to be sent off before the game's even started?
Parker Street Captain: [mutters] Like a bloody tape recorder.
Mr. Armistead: Did you speak?
Parker Street Captain: No, I was yawning.
Mr. Armistead: Now may the best team win.
Albion Captain: Why?
The game is ugly and violent as Armistead, is driven to exasperation by the players. They niggle him throughout the game but he is no angel as he misses a handball while checking out two of the player’s girlfriends. During a melee between two players, Armistead was ready to send them off but the two captains tell them not to give him their names. At the same time some local kids are breaking into the changing rooms as the older boy said, “if there is £3 just take £1 the same with loose change” and when asked why he replied, “because then they are not sure it is missing”.
Half time 0-0.
More of the same lots of huffing, puffing, and missed chances in the second half. When a penalty is awarded the player taking it was tripped up and after a retake misses anyway. After the wall doesn’t move back the required 10-yards for a free kick Armistead proceeds to abandon the game but was goaded to restart the match.
Who hadn’t seen a blatant offside and the linesman keep the flag down because this is park football and the linesman is normally someone from either team well at least in this the goal was disallowed. After being stuck into by one of the players Armistead told him if it wasn’t for the war, he could have made it Accrington Stanley. After a few moments, he charges up the pitch, connects with a beautiful cross, and heads the ball into the back of the net. After celebrating, he points to the kick off spot while everyone looks on dumfounded.
As one team prepare for kick off the others argue until they are blue in the face that the goal shouldn’t count. Pointing out in the rulebook Law 9 paragraph B, in which said if the ball hit the ref in play and goes in then it is a goal. He stated he didn’t deliberately score the goal it was a rebound off his head. After watching the action replay, he knew what he was doing alright.
Full time 1-0
The football action is interspersed with other characters an embittered park keeper who hates marking out the pitches and would rather be working with flowers. Two mature ladies walking the dog discussing world politics and the situation between Russia and China. Girlfriends with little real interest in the game but feel they have to show some support. One of the goalkeepers is dumped and on the line, the management bark out orders that are mostly ignored.
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