Tea Total - Retired P***head - memories

Me with the pint in hand

To my crying shame I think I am just about tea total and I don’t even like tea… I feel ashamed. It somewhat crept up on me to the point I don’t care if I have a drink or not. My sudden realisation of my predicament came last night when I decided I didn’t want one of my remaining bottles of Heineken but plumbed for an orange squash.

Friends who remember me from my late teens and mid-twenties would find it hard to believe has I am unashamed to say I was a piss head and a happy drunk when partying. I will admit I enjoyed myself they were fun nights’ out those that I could remember and of those I couldn’t would be re-laid to me in the next day debrief, always interesting.

I was trying to remember the last time I was truly pissed and it was ruddy hard I end up having to tap the wife’s’ memory. We soon between us kind of pin pointed the last hoorah of Peter Ugarte the piss head was 1988, yes that long ago in-between babies number two and three we concluded. I may not remember much about the night but I remember the walk home.

Like most gatherings’ of the ‘Motley Crew’ those happy days after plenty of libations its Chippy Lane and a visit to Dorothy’s for something to eat. After goodbyes at the bus station along with wifey and matey Andrew we walked home and I soon found myself walking down the middle of the road with shouts of I was hungry heading for a Chinese takeaway looking for a pie. It was typical for me back then I had a thing about the middle of the road when I was out with the wife.

It is not that I have stopped drinking that night. My life style and priorities at changed and I was happier being in control with my drinking. I was a father with three kids, which just don’t go with the drinking culture, and there was the money that was needed to go in other directions. Do I miss it? I miss the company and the laughs but maybe not the drinking I miss visiting Dorothy’s more.

I have mentioned on social media recently that I still had eight bottles of lager left over from Christmas where but for one drink was pretty dry occasion. so when Number three son ransacked my stockpile, I didn’t care. I consider myself a semiretired social drinker.

Walter - Nostalgia TV - Brutal TV

Everyone knows my fondness for TV memories so while watching something on Channel 4 earlier today I thought about the channels launch night and put my mind to re-watch The Comic Strip Presents... Five Go Mad in Dorset.

Besides Countdown it was one of the only things about the launch night and oh yes Brookside that I could remember. Five Go Mad starred the likes of Adrian Edmonson, Dawn French, Jennifer Saunders and Peter Richardson comedy legends in the first entry in the popular series of comedy spoofs, this being a ripping Enid Blyton-inspired yarn.

However, while looking at the schedule for that back in 1982, immediately my eye was caught by the made for TV film “Walter” and my memories came flooding back. I remember wiping away a few tears at the end and after watching it, you needed a pick me up which ‘The Comic Strip Presents’ provided.

I immediately went on a search to see if I could find a copy of “Walter” I so felt the need to watch it again. I couldn’t find it anywhere not even on YouTube, which was a real disappointment. With a subject matter of mental illness and society’s Victorian ways of dealing with it, there is no feel good factor to be found here. It is in the strength of Sir Ian McKellen’s performance as Walter that will keep you glued to the screen.

The story focuses initially on Walter’s youth in which his parents attempt, with little success, to have him adapt into the conditions of a "normal" life. Walter's father dies, followed soon after by his mother. The social services bureaucracy then place him in a psychiatric institution. Walter is molested by another patient, witnesses the murder of a patient by another patient having a breakdown, and remains in the institution for the rest of the film.

The Evening Standard reported at the time:

Channel 4 is taking the extraordinary step of launching itself with one of the most shocking films about mental illness ever shown on British TV. Walter, which occupied the key Tuesday night opening night schedule, features scenes of homosexual molestation in a mental hospital, patients covered in excrement, and a suicide in a barber's shop.

My TV - Must see TV, Week beginning 28/05/2016

It is going to be a busy week for my Television habits with a few new show so plenty to catch up with and my schedule of programmes I watch is close to bursting. Lucky for the viewer we have plus1 channels and catch up like the iPlayer because I could not watch half the shows I do now. I also use the internet a lot with shows that are not broadcast here in the UK or I do not have access to.

All the programmes and film are must see

**Film** The Bad Education Movie (Saturday Sky Movies 8pm)

This spin-off from the TV series launched on BBC3 hit the big screen receiving generally mixed to positive reviews from critics. Jack Whitehall plays a hopelessly inept posh teacher, Alfie Wickers, and his comprehensive school pupils taking a typically unruly trip to Cornwall. The comedy is broad and the hijinks mostly puerile, with far too many episodes involving threats to and exposure of Alfie's testicles. 

However, some standout comic sequences are set up with impressive care. They including a canal-side bicycle chase in Amsterdam climaxing with a very neat ET spoof and a lively duel on the ramparts of a Cornish castle with 

Iain Glen's fanatical local.

Top Gear (Sunday BBC2 8pm)

We have all seen the hype surrounding the return of Top Gear with new hosts Chris Evans and Matt LeBlanc. There are a host of other hosts to the show including Eddie Jordan, world record-breaking German racing driver Sabine Schmitz, renowned motoring journalist Chris Harris, car reviewer and TV presenter Rory Reid, and of course, the Stig.

The show will still feature test drives, spectacular stunts, and reports on the latest models. The press pack released with the show sees Chris takes the Dodge Viper ACR to the home of Top Gun in Nevada to battle it out against Sabine, who is behind the wheel of a Chevrolet Corvette Z06. Matt LeBlanc tackles the wilds of Morocco in the Ariel Nomad, before returning to British soil to take on Evans in a gruelling UK v USA challenge.

A Midsummer Night's Dream (Monday BBC1 8:30pm)

Russell T Davies is involved so it should be good as he famously breathed new life into Doctor Who franchise. He is now brought his own touch of sparkle to one of Shakespeare's best-loved plays by adding some surprising twists, incredible special effects and a few little nods to the Bard's other work in this star-studded adaptation.

Maxine Peake and Nonso Anozie star as Titania and Oberon, the warring Queen and King of the Fairies, but all eyes will be on Matt Lucas – he has the time of his life as budding thespian Bottom, whose transformation into an ass leaves Titania all a-flutter. Look out for some great turns from Bernard Cribbins, Richard Wilson, and Elaine Paige as Bottom's fellow actors.

Storage Wars (Tuesday History Channel 9pm)

I love Storage Wars and a host of new episodes are been aired starting with a double helpings ‘From Dust Til Dawn’ where Dave hits the action hard in a Mojave Desert auction, despite his dislike of the area, while Mary struggles through a locker hoping her profits don't go down the toilet.

In the second helpings of the show ‘Mexican Grand Off ‘ The buyers head for San Diego in hopes of finding some south of the border treasure, and Rene and Casey step up to defend their home turf against Darrell

The Hotel Inspector (Wednesday C5 9pm)

Crush alert because the lovely Alex Polizzi is back on our screens with The Hotel Inspector where is helps breathe life into hotels on their uppers. She and us viewers hope there will listen and take the advice that some do and other stubbornly won’t.

This week Alex is in Redditch trying to wave her magic wand over The Blue Inn hotel to settle a problem between Donna and the owner. Despite having 15 staff, Donna works 100 hours a week and insists on getting too hands-on while the owner monitors her every move on CCTV cameras from Paris.

Versailles (Wednesday BBC2 9:30pm)

A new series and if you believe the newspapers it is pure porn so you can expect the ratings to go through the roof for BBC2. Good old Mary Whitehouse will be so shocked she will be protesting from her grave shouting ‘BBC filth’.

The period drama depicts the decadent and turbulent early reign of Louis XIV. This raunchy royal drama has already attracted a lot of controversy as conservative elements in the UK such as MPs and family rights campaigners have branded it 'porn dressed up in a cravat and tights, I like it.

Secret Life of Human Pups - TV Review - Woof Woof

I sat down this afternoon to catch up with an unusual piece of TV from last night a documentary called the ‘Secret Life Of Human Pups’ wondering why would a man do something like this. It’s not as if I haven’t seen plenty of the eccentric mind of the human being could this be a step to far even for my enlightened mind.

The Channel 4 show Secret Life of Human Pups, explored a community of men around the UK that dress and behave like dogs. Yes, these men dressed as dogs and in the UK, alone its reported 10,000+ partake in the kind of roleplay/cosplaying fantasy thing.

One of the dogs on show was Tom the Dalmatian called Spot, he has spent £4,000 on his outfits, and he looked the part. His discovery of puppy play led to a breakup with his former fiancée Rachel and a new gay relationship with his handler, Colin but he a Rachel are still close friends. He (Spot) won Mr Puppy UK 2015 in a Crufts-like competition that sees human pups show off their talents—as dogs.

Spot with Rachel

Puppies in this world tend to be males who covet the doggy treats, belly rubs and squeaky toys while woman tend to go for cats in this underground world. Most of the dogs and their handlers are reluctant to take their world outside their comfit zone due to the reaction of the public in general including family and friends. When a handler who holds puppy get together arranges to take 50 puppies for a walk in London but at the meeting place of the 50 only two showed up one being Tom/Spot. After their walk, the two that took part in the walk were enthusiastic about the public reaction, which saw many pointing, giggling, and taking pictures.

Tom with his handler got the train to Antwerp to enter a top dog Europe competition and to take part in doggy tasks, including an obstacle course and even a special talents section. All the European human pups perform erotic dog dances, while Tom gets the wrong end of the stick and writes his name on a piece of paper with his mouth. It's cute, but not quite what the judges – who are all wearing PVC waistcoats, studded gloves and tiny PVC shorts and leather caps – are looking for. Tom/Spot came second or third and was truly upset to have lost but somehow I couldn’t see Colin shagging Spot in public, behind closed doors who knows.

Interesting has it was delving into this strange world I will not be rushing out to get myself all dolled up in a latex dog suit I say leave them to enjoy themselves.

Under Siege - Film Review - Birthday Cake

Caught up with a film I hadn’t seen in a while last night the 1992 action film ‘Under Siege’. So what do we have here! A battleship USS Missouri heading for decommissioning taken over by a load of modern day pirates and a cook Casey Ryback played by Steven Seagal.

This is one of Seagal’s early films and I rate it has one of his better films and there are not many of them this one entertained me the only criteria that means anything to me. It’s everything you now expect from a Seagal film, some ham humour, plenty of action, over the top bad guys and a beautiful young woman.

The USS Missouri heading for port but his No. 2 Cmdr. Krill (Gary Busey) as planned a surprised birthday party for the captain. He flies on board a group of terrorists under the cover as a band, caterers and a stripper more of whom later. Seagal cook Casey Ryback an ex-Navy Seal then sets out to save the day and the crew once the baddies make their move.

The baddies set about stealing the nuclear missiles in order to sell them on the black market to the highest bidder now that Krill and former special ops agent Stranix (Tommy Lee Jones) are running the ship. Both were highly entertaining in their roles. Meanwhile after escaping the meat locker Krill had Ryback locked up in and acquiring some weapons, time for some payback.

And it's not my Birthday

Somehow, everyone forgot about the stripper who fell asleep in the cake and only bursts out when Ryback bumps into the oversized cake. Erika Eleniak (Jordan Tate) plays the stripper who is unforgettable with at body, better stop there. She and Ryback join forces and course the baddies plenty of trouble.

When Ryback asked Jordan how many bad guys were in the helicopter with her she said, around 30 and not running a body count but he must have killed more than half and it was still only half way through the film. There are a stream of witty one-liners being dispatched whenever Ryback fights a bad guy. And if it's not Ryback delivering the comic turn it is Tommy Lee Jones whose purposely over the top bad guy has an almost "Joker" element to him as he struts about in a deranged way.

Stranix rendezvous with a submarine to off load the nuclear missiles while Ryback and a small group of sailors try to upset the apple cart. With the sub loaded and underway Ryback and his motley group man one of the Missouri big guns, luckily in their group was a retired master gunner so no luck on the sub getting away then.

All that was left was the show down between Ryback and Stranix with knifes, Navy Seal and Special ops Agent, kind of reminds me of the History Channel show the ‘Ultimate Soldier Challenge’. But there was always going to be one winner … The one with top billing in the film.

I am Fratie - nicknames - Fraternity

Hello, I’m Peter Ugarte, but I insist you call me by the nickname at was given to me by who knows who, ‘Fratie’. I can’t remember if I may have given it to myself or it was bestowed on me one thing you are unlikely to have heard it anywhere else before.

I have a sneaky suspicion it comes from another nickname I was given ‘Euphrates’ after the river in Iran the Euphrates. Some nicknames can be nasty but I was lucky with mine although I have been given a few others this one is the one that stuck with me.

It’s a nickname with no meaning I do remember in my youth it was accompanied with ‘Fratie Rider’ but the latter was dropped although sometimes I’m still called Rider now and again. I do like my nickname and have googled it to see if it had a meaning but the only links I could find were victors, fraternity and brotherhood, which is pretty cool. I gave myself a nickname mainly to use on football forums Blue Madness.

A few I hated one being Ufarte which was thanks to Spanish football Roberto and his appearance in the 1982 World Cup. I remember walking into the pub during the Spain v Northern Ireland game to a choirs of 'Ufarte ... its Peter Ufarte' I could have died.

Thing is you needed nicknames back then most boys were called Peter, John, David, Michael or Stephen plain names although officially I was christened Pedro, but thankfully it was rarely used only by dickheads who think it’s funny no names mentioned. If someone shouted Peter you could bet more than one would turn their heads around but shout Fratie everyone will turn they heads to see what is a Fratie.

I feel nicknames if you are given or have a nickname is cool, makes you stand out and even better if it is a bit unique. My youngest son David as a pretty cool one ‘Toastie’ but I call him the 'Lil Shit’ the loving father I am.

FA Cup - Road to Wembley - Bloody United

The lack of updates on my ‘Road to Wembley’ blogs can be laid at the door of Manchester United and my total hatred of them at goes back to my childhood. That was way back in the beginning of the seventies this is no flash in the pan my hatred is made of long-term stuff.

I hated them longer than I hated those bastard Jacks (Swansea) up the road the only other team I refuse to follow on this road thing. So Manchester United reached the final but I have been hoping they would be beaten somewhere along the line but they weren’t and I would have been ok with any one of the teams they beat.

With me refusing to have anything to do with United so I am parking my support on a temporary basis with Crystal Palace. The build-up to the game was boring, where is the fans ‘It’s a Knockout’ and the rest that made a great day when I was a kid and when will the kick-off be back to 3pm.

Can’t say the first half excited me a few chances and Palace had the ball in the net only for the ref to blow up for a free kick to Palace. Half time in the studio it was just as dour as the football on the pitch with the ref getting a bit of attention for mistakes he will feel he didn’t make.

I was beginning to feel the plan for this game was extra time and penalties I was feeling guilty for making the wife sit through it, nasty husband I was. I was getting so bored I was thinking to myself what is it with beards and footballers and were there any Manchester fans in the ground all I could hear was Palace fans.

When Palace scored I nearly jumped through the ceiling I was hoping to see Susanna Reid streak across the pitch, naked of course. With that image doing the round in my mind I was soon fully deflated when United pull the goal back. Extra ruddy time the last thing I what to see another 30 minutes of football and probably penalties. United down to 10 players on the pitch, advantage Palace but United will shut the bran door tight to take it to penalties.

The last 15 minutes with the extra player should have seen Palace push forward but it was United doing the pushing. I was thinking I have seen ten men win before and then they go and score, Palace 1-2 United. That’s it game over I thought to myself and I was right god damn I hate Manchester United.

Road to the Final …

• Final - Crystal Palace 1-2 Manchester United
• Semi-Final - Everton 1-2 Manchester United
• Sixth Round (replay) - West Ham United 1 - 2 Manchester United
• Sixth, Round - Manchester United 1-1 West Ham United
• Fifth, Round - Shrewsbury Town 0-3 Manchester United
• Fourth, Round - Derby County 1-3 Manchester United
• Third, Round - Manchester United 1-0 Sheffield United
• Second, Round – Sheffield United 1-0 Oldham
• First, Round – Sheffield United 3-0 Worcester City
• Fourth Round Qualifying - Gateshead 1-2 Worcester City
• Third Round Qualifying (replay) – Worcester City 1-0 Solihull Moors
• Third Round Qualifying - Solihull Moors 1-1 Worcester City
• Second Round Qualifying - Solihull Moors 3-1 Oadby Town
• First Round Qualifying - Sutton Coldfield Town 0-1 Oadby Town
• Preliminary Round - Harborough Town 1-3 Oadby Town
• Extra Preliminary Round - Quorn FC 0-2 Oadby Town

Football League changes - The Future - Will it happen

Since reading about the possible changes to the Football league structure, I am of the mind to lend my support as a fan but if I were an owner the possible loss of income would be worrying.

If you haven’t heard the proposal the Football League want clubs to make a decision that will be put to its members at next June’s AGM to radically overhaul the league and create an extra division with 20 teams meaning a 100 teams in five divisions, up from 72 to 80 Football League clubs, 100 counting the Premier League. Agreement is needed by November 2017 and a 90 per cent approval rate, or 65 of the current 72 clubs, is required to get permission to proceed.

The new fourth professional division and the reduction to 20 teams in each league would virtually end midweek fixtures. Cardiff City would than play just 38 games in a Championship season rather than 46. The would leave maybe 6 weekends for cup games more if a few league games are played midweek. That would mean only 19 league home games on the up side for those who like season tickets there may be a price reduction.

It would bring the Football League divisions into line with the 20-team Premier League. Promotion and relegation and the play–offs would still exist but some owners of small teams a worried about their finances with match days their main option to collect revenue.

Rotherham chairman Tony Stewart said he was concerned the proposal could widen existing financial gulfs between the divisions.

"There is also a divide between the Championship and League One and Two and the gaps need filling in."

"Why? What they don't understand is that currently we have 23 home games. We need the crowds. We don't get the money Championship clubs get.

"Losing four home games means we lose four incomes. It's not so bad for us but for teams like Accrington and York that's a lot of money. It's ridiculous."

Accrington owner Andrew Holt said: 

"I don't recognise it as a sensible plan. We want more games. We'd rather play 50 home games.

"We need revenue. We don't want to lose any games. I don't recognise it as having any sense.”

Bradford joint-chairman Mark Lawn told Press Association Sport: "We've had this structure for years because it has suited the majority of clubs, so why change it?

Accrington Stanley survive on one of the smallest attendances in the Football League with an average last season of 1,951, figures helped by a promotion push. Only Morecambe had the worst attendances with 1,583. With Saturdays freed up teams could play their poorly supported Johnstone's Paint Trophy games on those Saturdays?’ Weekend games tend to have more fans through the gates. One option if the plan is adopted rather than phased in, meaning one season of mass relegations, including at least 12 clubs from League Two, and potentially the promotion of eight teams from the National League to make up the new Division Three.

The Premier League and the FA are backing the proposals in principle. Looking at the reaction on social media outlets, the fans are split along the lines of their positions in the league. The lower down the Football League you go it’s about finances while Championship teams are bemoaning the lack of fixtures and midweek games.

I love my football as much as the next fan but I want to see the league progress I would miss the midweek games but I expect cup games to fill the void. Anyway from the response from some club there will be no chance of a change to the structure to the league happening.

The old chestnut regarding the big Scottish two Football could be back on the table with League chief Shaun Harvey not ruling out the possibility of Scottish giants Celtic and Rangers joining the English game saying,

"The whole discussion can be had. But I suspect the wider this gets drawn, the harder it would be to deliver to our clubs and the rest of the stakeholders in the game."

Throwing in a curve ball into the mix, I would like to see a team from Northern Ireland in the league, possibly a franchise club. Probably too much for most but if the Scottish two were somehow drafted in why not.

Some other plans on the table is a winter break and the end of cup reply’s, which I have always agreed with unlikely the winter break.

New boss Paul Trollope - New broom - We are Cardiff City

Well we have a new manager, not a big name some were hoping for but a promotion from within the ranks. Not that is name will inspire the missing thousands to rush to the turnstiles but on that we will have to wait and see. Unquestionably, this upcoming pre-season will be all-important for him there are rumours of eight new faces and a number of players will leave the club.

From the reaction of the news on social media, fans are not taking to the rooftops there is a lot of negativity and I am kind of in that camp. The rumour is that Cardiff City appointed Paul Trollope as Russell Slade’s successor solely made at the door of owner Vincent Tan we are lead to believe.

The Paul Trollope story: Who exactly is Cardiff City's new boss and what are his credentials?  (external link) Walesonline

He is in the chair now and we need to back him I doubt Mr Tan will change his mind any time soon even if we were to have a bad start to the new season. We need positive news out of the club, the local press, and the fans that is what will bring the missing thousands back. Exciting football so everyone is talking Cardiff City would also help attendances get a boost. Of course, the players and the first team coach himself must do their bit on the field.

Although I am not jumping for joy at the appointment, I will stand next to him for the sake and future of Cardiff City. I was not a fan of Slade but I was not going to protest and call for his head as I just didn’t believe Vincent Tan would get rid of him.

The former coach Trollope said, “I’m honoured to get this position, it’s a good challenge and one I’m looking forward to getting started with”, Trollope went on to say. “It’s a good club with a good fan base and nice facilities and stadium – and it was an absolute no-brainer to do the job.

“Every coach and manager has got their own philosophies, their own way of playing, handling players and preparation.

“I’ll bring my own style to that, and anyone who knows me knows that I’ve got clear ideas of the way things should be on and off the pitch at a football club.”

Trollope will immediately need to stamp his authority on the team with his own ideas distances himself from the Slade era at the club. Could be difficult but at the end of the day Slade had the final decision on players and style of play. He will report to CEO Ken Choo and Chairman Dalman. The question is now will Slade be happy with the Head of Football role with no first team responsibility or will he be attracted to another managers job.

In a statement on the club's website Vincent Tan said, "I believe Paul will improve the team in several areas. In particular, I hope he will lead the team to play an attractive style of football that Cardiff City fans love.

"We hope that under Paul's leadership, Cardiff City will return to the Premier League.

"I'd like to thank him for what he's done for us so far whilst wishing him the best of luck for the future. He has our full support."

One point I take issue with the club is allowing Trollope to continue is coaching duties with the Welsh national team for the upcoming European Championship finals in France which are weeks away. He should be 100% focused on Cardiff City and nothing else. He confirmed he will continue in his role at this summer's European Championship finals in France next month.

"I don't see it as any sort of hindrance for preparation for new season [with Cardiff]," he said.

"I will discuss the viability of continuing with Wales after the Euros."

Nude Nuns and Big Guns - Film Review - Sexploitation

I was watching the Horror Channel last night and a film called the ‘Sin Eater’ and it was a truly crap piece of work but the next film caught my eye ‘Nude Nuns with Big Guns’ likely to be more crap as well and I was ready to go passed my bed time to see if I was right.

I knew soon as the film started but for the odd nude nun and other boobies I might not find this film interesting but I was committed so I settle down for a viewing. The Catholic Church is in business with a biker gang who uses nuns for the processing, packaging, and trading of drugs somewhere in Mexico.

At a meet in the desert with gang leader Chavo, he finds some of his drugs missing and goes on the bus to seek where his drugs are. He shoots one nun and when the nun with the drugs tries to do a runner, she is shot. The remaining nun Sister Sarah is handed to Chavo as a peace offering. He keeps her as a drugged sex slave in one of his dens where she services his customers.

When one of the priests from the bus brings Chavo more drugs, he offers him one of his girls but he wants Sister Sarah who he then beats to near death before Chavo breaks in and kills the priest. He then asked one of his men ‘the witch doctor’ to get rid of the both of them. He decides to rescue Sarah putting her through detox she later kills him as a thank you.

Sarah believes she received a message from God, and has revenge in mind for those who wronged her and the church. She bursts in on a group of nuns packing drugs, naked but for the headdress there just no trust in the drugs game. In the shootout, she kills all the evil drug gang present and a few nuns are killed in the crossfire.

With a film named ‘Nude Nuns with big Guns’ it is a sexploitation film, nudity, rape and lesbian sex pretty much average stuff for late night on the Horror Channel most nights.

Sister Sarah kills her way to her final goal, Chavo and the brothel "Titty Flickers" with a tommy gun in hand and her big guns she kills everyone in sight. Highlight of the film was as Chavo was going hard on Sister Sarah’s nun girlfriend she bursts in freeing her girlfriend who then shoots Chavo’s penis off which was last seen in his hand as the two nuns plug two holes in his forehead.

How to Murder your Wife - Film Review

One of my favourite Jack Lemmon films - ‘How to Murder Your Wife’ - is about a successful strip cartoonist Stanley Ford (Lemmon) who has set up the perfect bachelor lifestyle with a macho apartment, a butler (played beautifully by Terry-Thomas) regular sessions at the gym, boys’ nights out but it’s a boys’ night out that brings him plenty of trouble. I caught up with it again yesterday.

The setup is that our hero (Jack Lemmon) is a cartoonist who draws himself in his strip as a sort of James Bond character called Bash Brannigan. Before he draws each strip, he actually acts out the scenes with the help of his butler who films and photographs the action.

At a stag do a gorgeous blonde jumps out of a cake (Virna Lisi) wearing a whipped cream bikini. Lemmon’s character immediately falls for her and wakes up with the girl, now his wife, lying naked in bed next to him. The mans, man butler played by Thomas assumes she is another one nightstand and is flabbergasted to find she is the lady of the house. It’s a case of him or her, he moves out.

His man cave soon receives the ‘feminine touch’ and although at first enjoys the Italian cooking of his wife soon the weight he is putting on becomes an issue. Stanley becomes distraught that his perfect bachelor life is in ruins. His cartoon strip is now called The Brannigans, again drawing from his real life and is a massive hit with the public.

The final straw comes when Stanley calls a meeting of his friends at the only place of safety his all-male health club. When his friend’s wife Edna learns of the meeting, she telephones Stanley’s wife and arouses her suspicions about Stanley's activities. Mrs. Ford then sneaks into the club, with the result that Stanley is banned from the club for violating its "no women" policy.

He then beings to think about killing his wife using his daily newspaper cartoon strip, testing his methods with the help of his former butler who is back on board believing all things with soon be back to normal. In one of the scenes, he plans to spike her drink with a ‘goofball’ 

He then bury her a concrete in the construction yard next door to his apartment. When his wife see the strip at their party, she disappears and it’s not long before readers of the strip and add two + two and come up with five leading to Stanley arrest for murder.

In the court, his cartoons are used as evidence of his guilt and when the trial seems to be headed for a guilty conviction, Stanley takes up his own defence pleading justifiable homicide. Appealing to the all-male jury's frustrations regarding their own wives.

The funniest scene is when Stanley makes an impassioned speech to the jury to acquit him. He draws a dot and tells Mayehoff his friend and lawyer to imagine it is a button, which by pressing he can remove his wife from his life without anyone knowing. Stanley tells him of all the things he would be free to do with his wife gone, and Mayehoff is gradually persuaded.

It’s Hollywood so we know the ending would be happy ever after and even the butler pulls the wife’s mother.

Eurovision - Come on UK - Worldvision?

The music can be pretty naff and don’t get me going on the voting but I love the Eurovision Song Contest, a highlight of the year but it goes beyond Europe now.

The contest has become so big with countries wanting to take part there has been a need for semi-finals of which all I can say is thank god the United Kingdom don’t have to qualify. They would never make the final. Has for the UK entrant the song is kind of growing on me somewhat and I can put my hand on my heart and say that hasn’t happen to me in a while. It’s not because one-half of the UKs entrant is Welsh either.

We have Australia back in the competition after being told last year was a one off and now there is talk of America joining the madness next year. If that was to happen, Taylor Swift could belt out some fantastic song but still receive few votes. It would be nice for someone more hated than the UK be in this melting pot of back scrubbing mates.

Russia are the favourites going into tonight but there has been plenty of satire on why. From Russia President Vladimir Putin threatening to turn the gas off if they don’t vote for the Russia entry. Russia contestant Sergey Lazarev is reported to have been caught up in a 'fetish porn blunder' after nude photos emerged online with a Kremlin spokesman dismissing claims the star has a secret porn past, insisting the pictures were part of a campaign to highlight issues with domestic violence. Only in Eurovision! Maybe not.

The music could be poor but thank god for pretty girls pulling one out of the air, Francesca Michielin, Italy who is very easy on the eye with a so, so song. My wife thinks I use the competition as some kind of a cheap version of Miss World I can see how she may think like that. However, never matter how hot someone maybe without the votes it means nothing.

There is a price for winning, a pricey drawback, the bill the following year for hosting what will cost your country millions of Euros (or Pounds) to organise this campfest. I did say don’t get me going on the voting which I can some up in one word … ‘Bent’ a slang word for dishonest, corrupt.

Sandwiches I like - Food - With butter of course

A onion sandwich

I was thinking last night as I tucked into a plate of salmon (tin) and pickled onions sandwiches what is my favourite fillings. I love a sandwich and prefer white bread to brown. It is a family tradition I have carried through since childhood teatime sandwiches on a Sunday or something on toast. But I do prefer a sandwich or two.

With the family always having a full Sunday cooked dinner between 12:30 and 1:30pm, we always had a quick snack at teatime and we do today. Meat left over from the Sunday roast or out of the fridge, it was light, quick, and easy for mum and myself after slaving over the cooker all morning.

There is quite a lot I would eat slapped between two slices of bread but I am pretty safe with most meats nothing too exotic. A nightmare would be cheese and mayo, the dreaded mayo, the spread of choice in many a sandwich these days even in my house by some of the household, everyone except me.

A sandwich that floats my boat is a boiled egg/ham and tomato on white bread with full butter or the light butter stuff, which is supposed to be better for you. Sausage and bacon must be white bread the above sandwich may be ok on brown bread but not with this filling. Together or separate, heaven with some brown sauce. A touch to healthy eating I sometimes substitute sauce with sliced tomatoes baked in the oven. The bread has to be on the chunky side, full butter a must with a drizzle of the fat from the pan. I am licking my lips.

Another favourite ingredient is the humble pickled onion. I like them with Ham or Salmon (tin) with the previous suggestions e.g. white bread and butter. Can anything beat a simple Spam sandwich or Chopped Ham and Pork with the Spam Company trademarking the name Spam? The original Spam only comes in tins although I can remember buying it sliced pre-packed but not seen it sold like that in years.

That would be my top five but I would like to share a hidden delicious delicacy with you. A fried onions sandwich with brown sauce a Spanish onion are the best to use. Another sandwich I would recommend would be a mash potato with sauce of your choice such an easy make.

Welsh Cup

The Welsh Cup Final slip by with not many football fans realising and my armchair road came to an end with defeat.

• Final – Airbus UK Broughton 0-2 The New Saints
• The Semi-Final - Airbus UK Broughton 7-0 Port Talbot Town
• Quarter Final - Cwmbran Celtic 1-2 Port Talbot Town
• Fourth Round – Port Talbot Town 3-0 Caerau Ely
• Third Round – Caerau Ely 4-0 Brecon Corries
• Second Round - Brecon Corries 3-0 Aberbargoed Buds
• First Round - Aberaeron 0-1 Brecon Corries
• Qualifying Second Round - Cwmbach Royal Stars 1-2 Brecon Corries
• Qualifying First Round - Brecon Corries 3-0 Penrhiwfer

Cardiff City - Slade Upstairs - End of Season win

The season ends today pity about the play-offs but the end was better than I predicted at the start of the season where I believed we would finish mid-table. There was no consistency to the season and we needed a good old-fashioned 20-goal striker.

The big news is City’s game against Birmingham will be the last game manager Russell Slade will be in charge of, as he will be taking the role as Head of Football after the game. Slade will oversee scouting among other duties a job he seems to be accepting. Will he be happy with the Head of Football role? I can see him leaving if there is a manager’s job he is interested in he is a manager after all.

"The club feels that it is necessary to have a change. We want to create a spark to take us to another level," said chief executive Ken Choo.

It is something I have always said about bringing in a new manager/head coach that if you have a doubt make the change sooner rather than later. Has long as the club move quickly to find someone he will be ready to stamp his authority on the team. Managers in my book should have pre-season to mould a squad and good on the club acting so quickly with Slade.

Cardiff City are to appoint a head coach to look after the first team but who would be interested? Many managers don’t like working with Heads of Football but one name is constantly linked with the job, Craig Bellamy.

One thing is for sure he wouldn’t take any prisoners on the training pitch or in the dressing room he as the passion but lacks the experience. A local lad and fan of the club and as a foot in the door coaching with the academy. It going to be an interesting time.

On the game it would be great to end the season with a win as it would give us fans something to hang on to during the summer down time before the start of the 2016/17 season.

The New Day bites the dusk

So The New Day newspaper will be no more from tomorrow which owner and publisher Trinity Mirror have announced. The life of the paper was only a short 63 days because sales have crash downward since its recent launch.

Like many people, I picked up my free copy on launch day and I remember telling the wife it probably wouldn’t last 6 months, a bit optimistic on my part. The aim was for a circulation of 200,000 copies a day however, sales are reported to have been about 40,000 on a good day. After the freebie, I may have bought the paper twice more it just didn’t catch my imagination in other words not enough football chat.

Launched in February with a promise to be politically neutral and aimed at readers with limited time and although the paper had a presence on social media, there was no website. Newspaper sales have seen a sharp decline as readers switch to websites and free content on the web. Newspapers written are mostly 24 hours behind breaking news but can update their individual websites in minutes. Proving websites are the future and newspaper in the print form could be consigned to history.

Although I buy three newspapers daily, I get more news from newspapers website from home and abroad in my insatiable need for news. Today I was reading articles on the Sydney Morning Herald and the New York Times unthinkable until the development of the worldwide web. Newspapers can’t compete with 24hr news channels from the likes of the BBC and SKY and on digital platforms, you can get 24hr from around the world like Russia, America, and Europe.

In March, The Independent and its sister Sunday title when digital-only because falling sales and I predict it won’t be the last. It’s really sad if it does because like with books I personally like the feel of the newspaper and the turning of the pages.

Rees the Butchers - Pie - Steak Pie

I woke up this morning thinking I wanted a pie, no I need a pie. So I had my shower then got dressed making sure wifey was ok then made my way to Rees the Butchers on Cowbridge Road East for three pies. I have had pies from Rees before but never reviewed one for my blog.

So the plan for today was pie/mash potato and mushy peas a bit of a classic of British cuisine.

First impressions was good the pie looked sturdy and the top was firm. The pie was not the cheapest pie I paid £6.60 for three, yes pricey but not for a pie I have had before and new what I was expecting. Going early meant none of the normal crowds. I could have gone a bit further up the road to the Victoria Park Pie Company saved some money but I wanted a Rees pie.

Warmed the pies up in the oven and as I was expecting to see with the pie made by a butcher the filling was plentiful and it was steak of a good quality. The steak in my pie was nice and chunky with a nice gravy, which was plentiful but not too runny. The pastry was tasty and complemented the rest of the pie beautifully.

I'm relieved that the pie also tastes as good as it looks and I would recommend this pie to any connoisseur of the noble pie.

Pie rating 9.99/10

Scott of the Antarctic - Film Review - British Classic

Thanks to the IPlayer on a boring morning I just watched Scott of the Antarctic (1948) for the countless time and I never get tired of this stiff upper lip Brit classic starring John Mills as explorer, Robert Falcon Scott.

Scott was yearning to head back to the Antarctic and be the first to reach the South Pole. When the admiralty refused to fund the expedition, he was forced to raise funds via from donations from the public and business. At the same time, he set about recruiting his team promising this would be the greatest expedition ever, scientific and using modern technology alongside the traditional dogs and packhorses.

When Scott reaches Australia, he receives news that Norwegian explorer Roald Amundsen was making his way to the Antarctic with the goal of reaching the South Pole. Scott believed Amundsen was going north not south, so now a race to the Pole was on. In the film, the telegram is received in New Zealand.

They landed at Cape Evans, they set up camp ready for the Antarctic winter. Scott plan to travel as light as possible on the way back by laying some store depots along his planned route. Along with himself, he plan to take three others to the Pole.

There are a few dull moments here and there in the snowy white out as they trek through hundreds of miles lasting months. Scott finally decides to take four with him when the food and cooking fuel rations were calculated on four making the journey not five. Has they closed in on their goal, they come across dog tracks meaning Amundsen must have reached the Pole.

That the Pole they find a tent flying the Norwegian flag and a letter from Roald Amundsen asking Scott to deliver it to the King of Norway. The atmosphere becomes grittier and grittier on the explorers as they make the long return journey with dwindling supplies and the hardships. The toll on the men was great and Petty Officer 'Taff' Evans succumbed to frostbite later knowing he was slowing the group down Captain Oates when for a walk outside in a blizzard.

There is surely no more tragic sacrifice in all exploration than Oates' "I'm going outside, I may be gone some time" - exit and the movie captures this moment with the necessary sadness. Later repeating the sensitivity as Scott and his last two colleagues lay dying just so near and yet so far "11 miles" from ‘One Ton’ food and fuel dump.

Jack Cardiff's colour photography is splendid and John Mills is excellent in the key role with a strong supporting cast are excellent. The attention to detail is marvellous here...from the clothing on down to the equipment used by the expedition. The film is also blessed with a fine score from composer Vaughan Williams. Regardless of sniping comments from historians about Scott's poor planning, the film quite rightly avoids judgements and asks the viewer to recognise and admire the human heroism of these gallant men.

Game of Thrones - Spoiler Alert - Wasn't expecting that

Oh my god, Game of Thrones was top notch today and well worth watching at 5am this morning after last week I was kind of expecting maybe a quiet episode, oh boy was I wrong.

In Winterfell, things escalated when a baby boy was announced to Lord Roose Bolton after his wife Lady Walda gave birth to a boy. Remember Ramsay Bolton is the bastard son and during an awkward father-son hug, Roose whispers he (Ramsay) is still his first-born son. You could see the tension on Ramsay’s face as he slipped his knife into his father’s gut commanding a message be sent to all the northern houses, informing them that Lord Bolton is dead poisoned by his enemies.

Ramsay later meets with Lady Walda and her son, and asks to hold him. Then Ramsay leads Walda and her son to the kennels, and begins unlocking the cells to the hounds. Walda begs for mercy, saying that she will leave Winterfell and return to the Riverlands. Ramsay ignores her pleas, and signals the hounds to maul her and her son to death, as he looks on, indifferent.

King Balon Greyjoy is old miserable self, arguing with his daughter, Yara, and with a storm, raging decides to cross a creaky suspension bridge connecting two royal towers. A dark shadowy figure at one end of the bridge turns out to be his long-lost younger brother, Euron, and not much love there. They edge closer and closer to each other, the rain pounding down on them, the wind furious then a tussle and R.I.P King Greyjoy.

John Snow for most of the episode was laed out on the table defended by a few loyal men and Davos. The rest of the Night’s Watch were outside demanding to come in and when they decide to smash their way in those inside are saved when the wildings attack Castle Black. Davos seeks out Melisandre wanting to know if she has any magical skills that could help bring him back.

She washes the blood from his wounds throwing in some chanting while trimming locks of his hair and beard, tossing them into the flames. She then places her hands on his body, continuing with her chanting but nothing happens so Jon Snow is dead. One by one those present leave the room until just a sleeping ‘Ghost’ Jon Snow’s wolf and the man himself is left in the empty room with the camera flickering between the two … The tension is unbearable. Ghost stirs. Jon breathes again. Jon Snow lives but who or what he could be next week is going to be interesting.

Get your haircut, Ugarte - 1973 - Two inches off the collar

Looking at my school photo from 1973 it holds many memories for me good and bad. Strangely, I can remember back then while sometimes I can’t remember what I did yesterday.

This picture was taken in October of the year I mentioned in a photographic trailer outside the reception office of lower school of Mostyn. I remember having no idea there was a planned photo call in the offing. I may have been on the mitch when the announcement was made or deliberately late for registration.

So when my class were called out I was puzzled to what was going on. Something to do with the school nurse was my first thought until word was given to me of our pending photo session. It was soon suggested we use some delaying tactics to eke out more time away from the class we could be very naughty.

The red spot on my nose was a pimple I popped that morning just to get me some wandering time down to the secretary to get a plaster or some tissues. Still how hot do I look and I still find it impossible to believe girls weren’t beating a path to me. Look at that smile, the unkempt Donny Osmond style hair what a dreamboat, what a catch!

Not everyone was a fan of my hair mum wasn’t she wanted a nice short manageable cut. Then there were my teachers who it wound up most. Mr Howells in particular would chase me down tap me on the shoulder and announce he wanted it collar length with the word girly mentioned on occasions. When he wasn’t around my other ‘nemesis’ was Mr O’Brien but we had a bit of banter about my hair as long as the teacher/pupil line was not crossed.

When at one registration a note was produced from the register asking if I had my haircut and reminding me to get it done, I decided at the spur of the moment I would have a skinhead to shut him and the rest of them up.

Sitting in the barbers on school time my resolve over a skinhead was waning and by time, it was my turn to sit in the chair shrivelled away. To this day I can’t say what made me say ‘two inches off the collar, please’ much to the amusement of the barber who asked if I was sure. With clumps of my hair all around me, it was a bit late for a change of mind and when he showed me the finished article, I knew straight away I made a bad mistake.

You know when you feel like a peacock and you want the world to behold the new you, this wasn’t one of those occasions. This was like trying to sneak out of a sex shop hoping not to be seen. When I got back to school, pulled to one side, given a talking to, sent to Mr Howells who was not happy with my new haircut. It was like a bowl cut something from the past where your mum or dad would put a bowl on your head and cut around it. I gave everyone a chance for some amusement at my expense and I began to feel a holiday was called for.

At home mum hit the roof and of course, I put the blame right on the door of Mr Howells. Mum sat back and got down to writing a letter, I was personally to hand it to Mr Howells and mum wanted a reply. After the joshing, I had in school the previous day I was soon making my way to school with the letter in hand with my planned holiday had to go on hold. I would have to run the gauntlet of jokes but the joke seemed to be over so the holiday was not called for.