The S**t Factor is Back

If this pile of crap were on the BBC, I would cry. Yes, the X-Factor is back shovelling out hours and hours of the worst kind of TV, you can get.

Simon (give me your money) Cowell badly needs to kick new life into his show after its popularity as waned while Strictly Come Dancing now regularly beats it in the ratings.

In a shakeup Cowell is back on the panel oh goody gumdrops how lucky is the British public.

New judge Cheryl (Cole) Fernandez-Versin, who Cowell sacked from the American X-Factor before she even warmed up her seat is on the panel. After a very public spat with Cowell, everyone is happy and all matey again. Some are already calling it ‘The Cheryl Factor’ with a lot riding on her shoulders, as many believe she could be the saviour of the show not the contestants.

She will be joined by another newbie Mel B one of the wannabes from the Spice Girls who now makes a living sitting on panels. The fourth judge is that old man who I can’t remember without doing an internet search, Louis Walsh. There is also a fifth judge! The general public whose vote is called into action if there is a tie between the four official judges, which is guaranteed to happen to add some drama. Wouldn’t it be easier to hire a fifth judge but that will cut into Cowell’s profits. A phone vote means cash, which tops up Cowell’s bank account nicely.

Back for its eleventh series, ten too many in my book what can the fans expect? Plenty of dramas between the judges most staged for the ratings if the show looks to be waning Cowell will step in and push one of the other judge’s buttons. The contestants will be manipulative and humiliated for the baying fans of the show that goes without saying.

We will get the sob stories, which seem to be one of the essentials for this show and could help when it comes to votes. It also creates a shed load of meaning less column inches in the press who love to soak up a sob story. There is always a love story and some bad behaviour for more of those column inches and all the time the meter is running higher and higher in Cowell’s bank balance.

In between the crying, the judges will find time to create a band or two, remember One Direction and Little Mix both created during the show or they will advise someone to dump their best friend to progress further. The dumpy will be interviewed by Dermot O'Leary he or she will be all happy on camera until you read it in the paper the next day.

Cowell is already calling foal over the BBCs scheduling of Strictly Come Dancing who would probably like all channels to switch off during the X-Factor. Like High Chancellor Adam Sutler, he wants full control.