Most of my friends have heard this story but I now believe enough time as elapsed that I can tell the world. If you read on you will be taken into a world of bodily fluids and embarrassment to yours truly with the only plus to this story, it happened at the dead of night.
Time to lay the scene it was either 1990/01 and this young father (me) ventures out for a night out with the mates and freedom from the wife at home babysitting the kids so enhancing my liberty to tie one on (get drunk). I duly obliged sucking in some fresh air at final orders and we had a top night rounded off with a trip to chippy lane for something to eat before heading to the bus station.
No bus served where I live so as always it was a walk home for yours truly in the company of friend Andrew. We would head off talk shit and sometimes have a meaningful conversation. We parted ways with the normal abuse, lucky we were friends, with our warped sense of humour.
So I am alone now and no joke within seconds the booze hit me like a led balloon the stagger drunken walk suddenly appeared but worse of all the dire need for the toilet and a No.2. Now I had to concentrate wedging my bun cheeks tight together which is hard when one is drunk. It was still away to go before I hit home base and could relieve myself.
There was a decision to be made as I reached Ninian Park railway station … Do I take the short cut up and along the platform, across some wasteland before popping out just around the corner from where I lived or along the road. I chose the short cut, maybe a mistake. The gate could be locked or the police could be sitting there waiting on an easy arrest for trespassing but it could save me a minute or two. There was an incline, not too steep to get to the platform not Everest but it may has well been when you a drunk have you tried to keep your bum cheeks tight going up an incline? Take it from me you can’t!
When I got to the platform, I made some adjustments re-clenching my bum cheeks after surviving the climb to the platform. But half way along the platform the unexpected happened, no not that. The booze, chips, chicken curry off the bone and a possible jumbo hot dog just exploded into the night air has I was mega sick it was like Mount Vesuvius erupting up the platform. It was not a pretty sight. Has I staggered along for some reason I turned looked back and found myself walking back to have a look at the mess I made. To this day, I never understood why.
Has I when back to have a look I slipped on the sickie mass and the second my bum hit the platform there was another explosion from the other end. There I was sitting in my own sick after having an almighty poop, a very liquid poop all down my legs and still having to get home with some decency. So I made my way home, slow and surely hoping none of the neighbours was about.
It was a cold night so my jeans were soon turning to concrete has I made my way home the neighbours were tucked up cutting any embarrassment but I was not home yet has I fished for my keys. It couldn’t get any worse! Well it did the wife was standing in the doorway chatting to our next-door neighbour as I walked up the path. I could push pass them, but that would be highly embarrassing, and I still have to explain myself to the wife that was going to be bad enough.
There was really no need to chat, as I could smell myself as we stood at the door I smelt like shit and all I wanted was to get into my house. Not before time the chat ended, I was sure my smelly arrival helped. I explained what happen she (the wife) didn’t somehow see the funny side to the end of my night. I was a dejected figure sitting there in my jeans with the wife kind words to make sure I cleaned the bath and handing me a bag for my jeans, which were for the bin.
I find it funny now not at the time. It was the second time the poop think happen the other time was not so embarrassing except it happen one New Year’s Eve in Cardiff City Centre more solid and I had no idea until the next morning.
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